Hello everyone. I know I know I haven’t written in here in a long time, and when I did it was those little wimp ass notes.

Well I am back and I am going to tell you all a story of my life. There will be a lot to tell and I hope that it will be good. (I don’t want to face the fact that my life is boring)

I was born on May 6, 1987. I was born and raised in Bellingham, WA. My mom and dad never got married; therefore I never met my dad. My old counselor told me that this was the cause to all of my depression. Never knowing someone for big in your life is sad, and it will leave such a big hole in your life. I had a best friend named Chelsea; she lived with her mom and her little brother. I would always go over to her house, but whenever he dad was in town she would spend time with him and not me. I was jealous because I did have someone to spend time with. I didn’t have a brother or a sister. I just had my mom.

My mom spent most of her time in her room smoking pot and cigs. She was always stoned and never completely there. Whenever my mom wanted to get out of the house and hang out with her other druggie friends she would send me to my grandmothers house. My grandma is a big Jesus freak so we would pray that she wouldn’t get hurt, and for her to stay safe. We always had problems with other people because my mom owed them money or they owed her money. She was big on gambling and going to the bar. She would always hook up with different guys. They were all jerks and I hated them all. I was such a little bitch to them. I remember one of them, his name was Eric, and he was such a dick face. He was always mean to me and told me that I was a spoiled little brat. I guess you could say I was, but not much, it was only cause I was the only child.

Gary, was the only nice boyfriend my mom has ever had. They were friends in high school, at sehome high, of course. But he was dating my mom’s best friend and they had a child. Chris, their kid, became one of my great friends. They split up and my mom took him into our app. where he stayed for a long time. He would always come home drunk and sick. One night I found him peeing in my closet. Yeah I know nasty! But all around he was a nice guy, besides the time he burnt me with a cig and the time he sexually touched me. The nice thing was that he acted like a father. He once told me that if I wanted to I could call him dad. He loved me and I knew that. After the sexual touching my mom kicked him out of the house. This put him in really deep depression. He moved into a hotel and that is where he drank his life away. He shot himself and it was a very sad day when my mom went to the funeral. 

Of course that wasn’t the last time I got touched. I was sitting at my grandpa's house and I was watching a movie with one other person. This person was a family friend, and old man. I was sitting on his lap and I was wearing a little dress. Well you should get the picture. After I went into a bedroom and told my mom and she told grandpa who yelled and kicked him out. It always seems like every bad happens to me.

When I would about 4 I was playing with a thermometer, hitting it in my mouth. The next thing I know I am spitting out glass. My mom had to call the ambulance. They came and cleaned my mouth out. Then pretty much a few months latter I was out in my yard and I was picking mushrooms. I thought that they were eatable so, you know I ate them. My mom yet again called the ambulance. Yeah I know I'm smart. 

Gary wasn’t the first one that I know about that has committed suicide. My neighbor, who I always was with, did. I was always over at their house playing with their boy Bobby. His step dad, Ken, was a very nice man. He was very protective of bobby, mom, bobby’s mom, and me. I don’t know what really happened to start all of this. But I remember sitting in my room and I hear someone knocking on my bedroom window. I open it and there is Lori and bobby. Lori is covered in blood and they are crying. I let them in through my window. My mom came and tried to calm Lori down. Ken didn’t die then. This was when he tried to cut off his hand, no not slit his wrist, but cut off his hand. We called the cops and they all came and too him to the hospital. He was hysterical. After this, I don’t remember where and when, but Lori and ken broke up and ken shot himself in the head. I guess you could say I have had a lot in my life, a lot of death and pain. It’s sad, but true.

My mom and I went to my grandpas for Christmas one year. She was getting sick and throwing up everywhere. Her stomach hurt and everything was wrong. She took a pregnancy test and it came out positive. She was pregnant with my aunt’s boyfriend’s child. She didn’t notice because her body didn’t know what was going on. She didn’t act as if she were pregnant. That was why she didn’t get big or anything. Four months later, my baby brother Cristain was born, April 2, 2001. I was so angry. I didn’t want a brother; I wanted to be the only child. I hated my mom and I told her that every night. I would yell and bicth to get my ways. And I would act as if he didn’t matter. She kept telling me that is was my baby too. That I was going to help take care of him. (Remember I was in the seventh grade at this point.) Never the less I took care of him and I love him so much right now. When I get home from school I kiss him and tell him I love him and he calls me his camo.

I was always boy crazy ever since pre-k and on! I would always flirt with boys and chase them. I sometime blame the past of sexual touching to be the cause of all the "boy craziness" I went through. I always thought I was in love with every boy I met. There was Taylor, Dusty, Jack, David, Garret, Aaron, and so on and so on. When I got into high school I didn’t have any boyfriends, well for the first few months of my freshmen year. 

One day I was at dance practice some guy (Owen) was standing our side watching us. I tried to look my best, that way he would be watching me. I knew it would work! After that I was talking to all the girls on the team and I was like OH MY GOD he is SOOOOO hot and I want him!!! My half brother Cori (same dad different mother. a story for another time) was neighbors with him so he knew him for a long time. Well I told him what I thought about him. He then ran to him and told him what I said. Owen just shrugged it off, because he didn’t want to date freshmen, when he was only a sophomore. Well I kept bugging him and I was just so into him that I couldn’t help myself. He called me and I was so excited. After that it went down hill. He was always rude to me and calling me a bitch and telling me that he didn’t like me, but then at other times he would say he did. I just thought that it was gay so we were just friends for a while, so that he could get his act together. We started to hang out and I would go to his house. I only went to his house once before we started to date. We went and rented a movie, 40 days and 40 nights. A very hot movie for our first date.... I didn’t even sit on the same fucking couch with him!! I know I am lame. Well it was funny. After that it was back to normal. Every year the band goes on tour and the dance team goes with. Well the year we went, we went to Victoria, BC. When we were there it was kind of like a vaca for Owen and I, to get to know each other a lot better. We weren’t aloud to have boys in the girl’s room or girls in the boy’s room with out a supervisor. Well Owen was in my room and we were just talking. There were like massive amounts of people outside the room just yelling and trying to get in and we wouldn’t let anyone in. that was amazing. Every night we had ice wars, boys vs. girls. It was fun and it kind of hurt. Well on the way home from Victoria, Owen and I were sitting in the halls of the ferry. He looked at me and was like " would you like to go out with me" and I just shattered into pieces. I mean come on this boy is tall, handsome, funny, charming, witty, and he was macho. You all should know what I said I was like YES! Well on the bus we were sitting next to each other and I had to ask to hold his hand. It was cute. He had to ask me to kiss him. Good memories. He is my first for a lot of things. He took my heart and everything that came with it. We have been dating now for two years.  

He told me just the other night that he is going to be making a lot of money to buy a certain thing for me for Christmas this year... fingers crossed!    

LAST NIGHT WAS THE WORST THING EVER!

if only she didnt open the doggy door...

if only i could of left sooner....

if only she never was aloud outside....

.... my lovely little girl was still be here today.

Sierra rest in peace my itty bittty kittty. i love you more than anything, and i will miss coming home and not seeing you jumping up on me. your soft hair and cute little paws..... i miss you and i love you.

ok so i had to work today 5 to 9... what a bitch. i really do hate work but i love everyone i work with. i really just need to find a new job!!!

so i get home today and owen comes over with his senior page shit and i look at it and its all good.... but there isnt a pic of him and i... i mean come on. i know that everyone at sehome are sick of us but hello we are together and we will be for a LONG TIME! well the only reason i wanted a pic of us in there is becuz its his last year at sehome... and well... i want people to know that we have gone through so much and we are still holding strong. so i got a little pissy and he asked me to find a pic and i found of course my fav pic of us... we are kissing and its a close up i love it to death!! (like it could live...?) so i hope that goes in....

any who... im just chillin here being bored... owen got kazza lite on my computer... SWEET DUDE I CAN LISTEN TO MUSIC AND BE SOOO UPDATED ON THE NEW SHIT! hahah im a loser.

my break sucked assssssssss.... that only fun i had was when jess and i took a little road trip to bellvue....? hahaha mass fun! ok well i think i am going to look at a few songs.... bush the teeth and jump into bed.....

see ya'll tomorrow!!!!  

Typical Teenager Stereotype
Do you drink [alcohol]?: every so often

Do you party a lot? How often?: oh man i havent for awhile, but when im with a few people it gets a little out of control....

Do you use drugs for recreational purposes?: well... we wont get into that.

How often do you use the word like in an average hour?: not much becuz Tesh and i sit in class and laugh at this girl that says like about 20 times in one presentation..... hahaha

Do you skip classes? How often?: nope never... i cant bare the thought of missing something important.. unless its a stupid reading day.

Do you have casual sex? Protected?: uh.... i have had sex with my boyrfriend.... and we  are protected as in the pill...

Do you steal?: nope not anymore... not after getting caught... hahaha that sucked. I REALLY WANTED THOSE FUCKING EARINGS.

Do you wear inappropriate clothing?: depends on what inappropriate clothing is....

Do you drool over celebrities?:  ASHTON KUTCHER!!

Do you watch a lot of TV?: yup sadly... fall asleep to it and wake up to it...

Do you ever watch the News?: hahahahhahahahahh dont make me laugh... tooo late.

Do you even care about world issues?: no... not really.. unless it is in like BELLINGHAM.

Do you read books often?:  not often.. only when i come across a book that seems to be well written... that doesnt happen that much anymore..

Are you failing a lot of your classes?: no... i feel like it but when i look at my grades im shocked!

Do you spend most of your time with your friends?: i  wish i could say i have friends...
Do you smoke cigarettes?: i have before and i would NEVER  do it again.

Do you hang out a lot in malls, or at Seven Elevens?: not at seven elevens... what the hell who would do something like that.... hahahah

Do you often find yourself with a crush on someone?: i am deeply in love with my boyfriend Mr. Jones....

Do you cuss a lot?: every so often

Are you desperate to fit in?: well sometimes i wish i could be better than who i am now, but i have relized that i will never change...

Are you intelligent?: hmmmm....

The Goth Stereotype
Black lipstick?: can you say ewwww

Black eyeliner?: OF COURSE.... but not tons

Black eye shadow?: no
Black trench coat?: nope
Black boots?: nope
Black fishnets?: yeah no

Black nail polish?: i use to have some but i dont knwo where it is...

Cigarettes?: HELL NO
Heavy metal music?: every so often

Marilyn Manson?: hahah i think hes all right
Kittie?:  whatthe hell?

Cradle of Filth?: ummmm...

Constant frown and perpetual angst?: yeah lets say not
Do you like to be seen as: what?
Are you an intellectual?: i guess i could be

An atheist?: that is a funny one

Horrible home life?: yeah but i am getting use to it...

Hopelessly depressed?: taking meds for it and that are working like a charm...

Suffering with suicidal idealations?: not anymore... thank god... but i could go back...

Self-mutilation?: not any more

The Punk Stereotype
Plaid?: dont wear it

Big black boots?: yeah no

Mohawk?:  yeah no

Excessive piercings? [Especially facial]: my ears and my belly  thats alll...

Loud, confident and opinionated?: ummm?

Wild hair colors?: i use to have purple hair.

NOFX?: i have listen to them before...

Rancid?: ???

Well versed on political scandals and outrages?: no

The Jock Stereotype
What's your IQ?: dont know

Do you watch a lot of sports?: nope

Play a lot of sports?: inope

Talk a lot about sports?: nope

Do you do anything, really, but think about sports?: yeah
Are you arrogant?: no
Are you a male or female whore?: nooooo

Are you homophobic?: nope one of my old best friends parents were les.

Do you tease other people a lot because you want to seem confident?: sometimes

But really you're a quivering mass of insecurity?: yeah...
Boobs = yes?:  yes and owen says they are growing... OH NO!!! 
Parties = yes?: UHHHH every so often...

Dropping out of high school and flipping burgers = yes?: i make ice cream... theres a difference...
The Girl Stereotype
Do you spend a lot of time on your appearance?: no only when i want to look cute..

Have you ever been on a diet?: .... yes sadly and we wont go into that...

How much did you lose?: in weight? i have lost ALOT

Was it not so much a diet as it was an eating disorder?: ummm... like i said not going into it...
Make yourself throw up?: i havent... but there was times when i thought about it.

Make-up?: just on the eyes 
Low-cut tops?: yes i love to show my boobs

How big is your chest? [Cup size]: C

Do you flip your hair when you talk, even if you don't realize it?: yeah lets say no

Giggle a lot?: nope

What's the deal with boys?: i have a very seriouse man

Thongs?: yes

Pretty bras?: yes
YM, Teen, Cosmo, et al?: yes i do read those i get them every so often in the mail...

Who's the weaker sex?: i would say girls but sometimes guys too

Are you a feminist?: not really...

Do you think Brad Pitt is hot?: nope!
How often do you shave your legs?: hahahha that is a good one.... i never doo but i have been lately...

How about your armpits?: yeah same... hahaha ewww

Are you emotional?: oh yes very!! caried during NOTEBOOK